In Memoriam: From Natalie to her Gran

Beulah Maude Vink passed away on Saturday 22 May 2010. She is remembered here by her grandchild and my daughter Natalie: I can think of no better eulogy than this final farewell

To my dear Granny

My earliest memory of you was in the house in Bramley. Mom was there too, we were sitting in the kitchen. You gave me a pink panther, surrounded by a ring of easter eggs. I still have that pink panther. I remember your chocolate cabinet; as a child, I had fantasies about what we might find in its darker corners. Duncs and I spent many happy hours tracing car routes on your living room carpet. At sleepovers, my bed would be on the couch, Duncs below me. It was the perfect vantage point from which to terrorise him. Then at some late hour, you would burst into the room and scold me, and I must say, I enjoyed the ferocious display of attention everytime! And I remember when that room was transformed into Hayley's bedroom, and Blondie picture would shine out at you as you entered; it was a lifetime into which so many things fitted. I have missed you since I've been away so long and now that you have come to the point of leaving us, I cannot be there to say goodbye. But I know that you have the power to go anywhere now, your spirit is free, you can see us all and be absolutely sure that we loved you fiercely, and we wish you be safe on your way, we wish it with all our hearts joined as one.

Dear Granny, thank you for your kindness, generosity and loyalty. You never let me down. And you gave me your unconditional blessing countless times to live my life in my own way, you always encouraged me about that. Here is my prayer for you today, which I would like to dedicate to all beings, and to you especially. Just as all the past buddhas have dedicated, just as all the present buddhas dedicate, and just as all the future buddhas will dedicate, like that I too dedicate:

Sentient beings are limitless as the whole of space.

May they each effortlessly realise the nature of their mind.

And may every single being of the six realms who have been in one life or another my mother or father

Attain all together the ground of primordial perfection.

May you have happiness and the causes of happiness,

May you be free from suffering and the causes of suffering,

May you be free from attachment, aversion and ignorance,

May you never be separated from the three upper realms and the bliss of liberation.

---

The pictures above come from the covering letter, and in her own words, are 

"the picture of the spring snow ..., it is the view from my window, perhaps she would have liked to see it, she always liked to hear about where I am and I should have sent this picture to her in a letter...Also there is a picture of the shrine offering in my house, I am lighting lamps for 49 days - because according to buddhism the spirit can take up to 49 days to migrate, although it can be less. Offering lights is very helpful because it is like guiding the person so they can see where is a good place to go. For ordinary buddhists its a belief, but for the realised meditators it is a reality, an experience they already know for sure and what they help teach others to know directly. For me I'm just in the realm of the ordinary beings, I trust it so it's my practice for granny and I hope I can help in this way, from where I am. And on Friday I also go to the monastery to offer 45 butter lamps and ask the monks to pray for her. According to our lama here, this is the right day to offer - it is very auspicious in the lunar calendar. Please send my regrets to the family that I am unable to be there. I will be at a monastery on Thursday too and will make many prayers. Each person has their own karma to go through but prayer can help ripen whatever good causes she has, prayer is really beneficial."

My own thoughts go with her too.

---
Lighting candles at the Tibetan temple in Xining

At the first turning of the second stair

At the first turning of the second stair

I saw you on that evening long ago

And Hope and Love awoke and rose and grew –

Now in this uncertain hour before the rising dawn

I mourn your loss.

Alive in the scented gardens of the mind

Your memory will remain

Moonlight in the darkest night

Sunlight on a cold and misty day.

Russian Wedding Rings and the meaning of Love

This is a story that my mother told me when I was a very little boy, a story that mothers weave for their children. The symbolism of the 3 gold bands resonates across the years. At the end are some links you might find handy.

My father used to manage small hotels in the Free State when I was a little boy.
It was not common for people to stay there for any length of time, people just passed through going from one place to another: overnighting for at most a night or two.
Mostly they were travelling salesman, or people migrating from the big city to the coast, or vice versa.

I remember one couple very clearly, though. They were foreigners, and spoke in a rather strange tongue. And although she was a remarkably beautiful woman (I could see that, even though I was a very young boy) it was the strange ring that she had on her wedding finger that struck me the most.
It was actually 3 interlocking rings, a sort of a puzzle ring, and each ring a different colour of gold.
I asked my mother what it was. She told me it was a Russian wedding ring. "Oh", I said. "What's that?"
Well, in those far-off days, mothers never had the Internet to go to, and trekking off to the library to look things up in the Encyclopaedia was not going to answer the question for a persistent little boy!

So she did the next best thing, which was to tell me a story.
Years later, I looked up Russian wedding rings on the Internet. I learnt that the Russian wedding ring is a Christian symbol, representing the holy Trinity. And while that is true, I still prefer my mother's story. Here it is, maybe you will enjoy it too.

My mother's story

She told me that marriage was about two people who loved each other.
She told me that the ring was a symbol of this love, as all wedding rings are.
But, she told me, this ring brought together the three most important things of a loving relationship.

The white gold ring, she told me, is softer than the other golds. Being softer, it will take the shape of the finger. "Love is like that", she said. "In the journey through life, two people in love have to change their shape. They have to give some things up, and take other things on. To become a family each one has to move towards the other". So that's what the white gold represents: bending towards each other.

Yellow gold, on the other hand, is very hard. You can bump it and knock it, and afterwards, all you had to do is to give it a hard rub, and there it would be: all bright and shining again. "Life is like that" she said. "It's not easy. Sometimes things are really difficult. Then you have to support each other. Sometimes love has to be hard". So this is what the Yellow Gold represents: the strength to get through life, and then come out on the other side all bright and shiny and new.

Then she was silent for a time. So I asked her "what about the red gold mommy?"

It took her a moment before she answered.
"Have you ever seen red gold before?" she asked softly.
"No", I replied.
"Well," she said, "Red Gold is rare". "And love", she said "is just as rare. When you find it, when you finally have it, you must look after it. You have to protect it. If you lose it it might never come back to you again". And that is what the Red Gold represents: that Love must be cherished, because life is short and every moment spent without love is a moment lost forever.

Related links

Origins of the wedding ring	This site was built to search out and explain the history of the wedding ring. You will find information on the evolution of the wedding ring and its history through the Christian faith.
Professionally researched answer from the AnswerBag	Reviews the various kinds of three-ring wedding bands
A brief history of the wedding ring	An article from the blog "Sex, Love, and Marriage"
Russian Wedding Customs	From Wikipedia
Symbolism Of Wedding Rings	A nice little article on the symbolism of wedding rings in general-ignore the Russian cyber brides!
Russian Weddings	The full paraphernalia, courtesy Wikipedia
Traditional Wedding Rings	A history of some of the most popular traditional wedding rings, courtesy the Wedding Channel
Wedding Ring Traditions Around the World	From Ancient Egyptian Culture to Modern Irish Claddagh Rings, courtesy Suite101
On Russian Wedding Traditions of the Past	Some background on wedding traditions and rituals in old Russia

...

Freedom and the Ties that Bind

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose

Nothing, aint worth nothing, but its free (*)

Today, a Hyacinth sits on the window sill of my bedroom window, and its soft scent drifts from there to permeate the house. It carries its own memories, and they intertwine with mine.

Of all the prisons of the mind, those borne out of obligation and loving kindness bind the deepest.

What gifts do you have left, when all your gifts have been given?

What gifts do you have left to give, when every gift chains tighter?

Dying is the only way

For you to float free (**)

Freedom is the only gift that remains.

but Freedom cannot stand the sight of its walls, 

cannot bear the sound of its chains, 

shivers at the feel of its bars.

If the gift of Freedom is to forever release the receiver,

Then it must send the giver to exile, that curious form of dying-in-life.

It is a gift that cannot be explained.

It demands a cold, clean cut and does not permit regret.

This lonely gift that causes pain for both the giver and the receiver is soon overcome by the former, is a permanent loss for the latter.

So.

Having given everything else I finally came to understand that the time for the final gift had come.

Today, I remember that gift, and hope that its outcome has blossomed, even if the vacuum will never be filled.

Yet memories delight, and unlike the fragrance of the hyacinth, which must pass forever:  her fragrance is ever near, and every day's little pleasure.

* Kris Kristofferson - Me and Bobby McGee
** Haruki Murakami - The Wind-up Bird Chronicle